Why aren't Minions real?

Wouldn't life be simpler with a bunch of little Minions running around? I mean look at me, wouldn't I make the perfect minion owner? 

I think I would. I mean there are certain qualifications that a person has to go through to own a minion. And please don't get my human sidekicks confused for minions. I want the little yellow, twinkie looking minions with simplistic names like Dave, Kevin and Stuart. 
I have a license plate that clearly states that I am an Evil Villain. You would think that minions would want to run to my car upon first sight! It is the homing beacon for those precious little guys. 
Exhibit one: 

So where are my minions?? There are none following me around, cleaning the house, or  to play golf with. I think it would be a great game of golf with a  foursome of minions. Plus I could drink a mass amount of alcohol and not have to drive the cart. But alas, I have no minions. 

I even have the standard minion sidekicks. A scary looking dog and a fluffy unicorn. 
Exhibit B: Scary looking dog that will eat anything. 

Exhibit C: Fluffy Unicorn 

If anyone knows where I can purchase some minions, please let me know. I know I would be a swell Evil Villain and they would be well taken care of.